Wow, wow, wow.
It’s been a tumultuous few weeks in the news. There was the joy of Singapore’s women paddlers scoring two bronze medals in the Olympics, of course. But instead of focusing on the super-important question of the loyalties of our athletes whom we suspect might be secretly rooting for China while standing under Singapore’s flag on the medal podium wearing our colours, we found something even more pressing instead.
Yes, we need to find our star paddler a boyfriend.
After all, if you believe far-fetched Internet rumors ex-MM Lee came back from the dead just to announce on Sunday, in the big letters of front page headlines, that what Singaporeans need to do is to GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES. Or the country as we know it will be destroyed.
But how can it be, when our star, Feng Tianwei, who took home the bronze both the table tennis women’s singles and women’s team, does not even have a boyfriend? She is in her 20s, highly successful, fit and athletic. Sure, she “plays like a man“, but her coach assures us that she is also girly, and feminine, and girly, just like any other girl. And if someone like her can’t find a mate to settle down with, how would the rest of us have any hope?
So. It is a crisis of NATIONAL IMPORTANCE. Heroically, MP Lee Bee Wah, also the president of the Singapore Table Tennis Association, decided to step in and approached Minister Chan Chun Sing to find a boyfriend for Tianwei.
Minister Chan choked on his food at that. At first [link in Chinese]. But he soon warmed up to the idea–after all, as Acting Minister for MCYS, he is charged with raising Singapore’s dismal fertility rate. Sometimes, you have to get a little hands-on.
And what does the lady herself have to say about all this? (Aside from “Wow, you guys are more than a little embarrassing to be around, don’t you think?”) Well she wants a boyfriend who is a) Singaporean and b) able to speak Mandarin.
So forget National Night, this is the real deal! Although the Minister has said he will start his search in the Armed Forces, I think the Internet would be a better place to find love. Online dating is all the rage these days, isn’t it?
Witness: this is me throwing my hat in the ring. Stepping up to bat.
Dear Minister Chan Chun Sing,
I would very much like to apply for the post of Feng Tianwei’s boyfriend. I am a 29-year-old woman who is also currently singleI am both Singaporean and able to speak Mandarin, so I fulfill both of the stipulated criteria. Although I flunked out of the table tennis team in primary school, I feel that the fact makes me an even more suitable match for her, since unlike in pairing with other athletes, she won’t have to worry about her partner outshining her, and women just can’t take that kind of pressure, you know? Even Olympic medallists. Seriously.
I understand that I am of the wrong gender, and therefore do not fulfill the boy definition in boyfriend. However, given the day and age, that sort of thing should be irrelevant! With the success of IVF these days, popping out babies should not be a problem. In fact, since there will be two wombs involved in this pairing, we can instantly double the fertility rate of the union! Two babies at the same time, instead of one! What could be better than that?
I hope you will give my application the due consideration it deserves! #keechiu